So now I'm trusting God to supply all my needs, and that's scarey for me.  I have one of those "things" about me that wants preplanning, preparing, pre everything, but now it's one day at a time, one moment at a time almost one second at a time.   Depression sits close by trying to invade everything, it's a real struggle to keep it at bay.  I know God can do all and everything, I see it happening all around and for me, still have too much fear.........I know I'm not supposed to, but it's a companion too.

There are days I wonder when my heart started "going bad".  Come to find out that I've had over 11 heart attacks in the past 15 years.  I'm only 60.  I remember telling my mama that my heart felt like it was breaking and her telling me to just cry and let it out, nothing was wrong.  Maybe I was having these way back then? The pain is still the same, it's a dull ache with strong fingers grabbing, twisting and turning. Most of the time it's tolerable, others not so much. 

Had that female MD in ER that night not taken the chance to actually send me to the cath lab, the cardiologist said I would've died that night.  6 angioplastys and 3 stints later, I'm better.  Not much but not as bad as it's been for the past 5 years.

Guess I gotta live with it.  Wonder if God will ever take it away and give me a new heart?

Okay I'm alone now, now what?

This isn't a real blog, it's just my way of journalizing. 

I'm alone, ok, so what does that mean?  When I go to a restaurant, they sit me near the kitchen door in the back.  When I go shopping, I look for the smallest sizes.  When I come home there's no one but the pets to talk to, and they don't know how to talk back, so I guess what I'm thinking is right. 

Do I feel sorry for myself?  Sometimes.  Other times I look around and watch the interaction between couples and wonder how they ever even think of being in the same world, let alone living together in the same house, apartment or whatever.